{email} shockingly, i am awake because i woke up, not because i stayed up. maybe i am still capable of "changing"--like layering oil paints. i wasn't aware that "meow" was a common interjection, used much like "shit". this makes me smile. in the process of cutting open my hand on the mandolin (i find it amusing that it was given as a wedding gift), a HUGE blister developed. i am apprehensive to look at it, mostly because i think i might do something to rip open the scabs that currently encircle 3/4 of it. i can't say i love physical pain. (my brand currently is "mental anguish".) we played gin rummy last night. my husband crushed me--a shameful display of poor sportsmanship. i hate depending on luck (viz. randomness that stacks up in one's favor); i am such a control freak! acknowledging my debt to anyone or thing bothers me. by extension, do i loathe the idea of belief in god because i wish i were my own god? how strange i am. i find the repitition of a mono-syllabic word indefinitely entertaining. i could chirp "thrum-thrum" to my cats in hopes of encouraging purring and then turn on my husband and demand "thrum-thrum", which translates roughly to "pick me up now thanks". i want to reread duino elegies, but i cannot fucking find it among all these fucking books. i wrote an email to natalie. she doesn't even seem to harbor the slightest hate for me--am i unduly hard on myself? why do i concern myself so much with the judgement of others, to the point that i attempt to twist it to my fears?

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