{violence & death} should i be a contributing member of society? --go out, but a pair of hiking boots, see people & be seen by them? yah. will i? unlikely. i would rather sink listlessly into some anime or book, avoiding all thoughts of the past week. as it is, on waking, i think of her screams & the way our apartment rattled as doors slammed next door; or i search for when i last saw him stomping about the property with chihuahua lady, seeming happier than i had thought possible; or i think about crossword puzzles & ping pong, sunny days by the pool, things he gave up which i thought inextricable for his being. i don't know how to overcome this sorrow. also: i don't know what this sorrow is from! i hadn't seen him in five years, not since graduation. nonetheless, when i'm not focusing on what's in front of me, i feel a sadness inundate me. i cry, or i don't. i wish i didn't feel this way.

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