{a priori horrors}

i tumble in a nihilistic loop, bearing witness to the sunset, voluminous moon, pinking sky as i near one-ness with the sofa. i fill his ever-expanding absence with well-worn worries, what-ifs seemingly made from the same recipe as twinkies: forever edible but never nourishing. a medley of those who once laid claim to my affections now eclipse my mind; they now lay claim to my fears. as my ageless tormentors light up my OFC, my attention bifurcates--i begin to deflect their vicious attacks by reminding myself that these aggrieved historical figures are figments of my imagination.

am i to infer: i wish to live this despair? or worse: i already live in (denial of my) despair & it springs from my time with them?

if asked, i will say i do not believe in cosmological "fairness" (e.g. Athena). but clearly my terrors imply that i do believe. utterly fucked!!!! first principles are exactly that: first! not to be settled with argument, only belief. i do not believe platonic ideals are real: their existence is contingent on a mind. in mine, they are the stuff of nightmares.

i breathe deeply, my false ribs protest. following each workout, my body gives pointed reminders: my mind is ignorant. this surfeit of self-pity? i break through it with that which created it, i.e. an enduring, ebbing denial of everything's value.