{immaterial morbid melange} i return to my cuz's words to my at my wedding, which i took then as encouragement, a ready-made excuse, her gift to me. as i retread the same steps, week in, week out, i take her words now as a warning, a shining beacon of disillusionment. science has dominated art. i abandoned impulse in favor of habit. i might have assumed that such a shift would leave me free to explore novelties, but i know now that those too have become habituated. my dreams have become (more transparently) the threshing floor of what i fear & ignore. i woke in the middle of the night from a nightmare, adrenaline overpowering my reason, mentally prepared to strangle he who lay beside me. as the room came into focus, i realized that he who lay next to me was not some terrible ex who terrorized me for years but my loving, gentle husband--he who has allowed me to push my paranoia & hellish history squarely into my sub-consciousness. ugh, i am so morbid right now.

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