as i will myself into the taking on the trappings of a normal day, i acutely feel the pressure to consume, lay waste to plans so smugly crafted.

i don't follow current-insert-activist here. their messages about cultivating one's self without concern for how they are perceived seems to lack... reflection? balance? they are trying to communicate their self and their cause, but the very act of communicating requires 1) a common language and 2) a desire to be understood. if their interior world is all that matters and they don't care how they are perceived, then why bother communicating?

murakami's preoccupation with the significance of one's interior world and how profoundly it can intersect with reality sometimes breaks my mind. in many ways, i have a catholic-like understanding of the world; that i can only be held responsible for what i have done--a total separation of action from thought. but what if thought is not just held on par with action, but more important? moreover, what would responsibility look like? our legal system works loosely like the catholic confession, where one "atones" for one's actions with actions. i don't think a system could exist, where the perpetrator is the sole witness to his own transgressive thoughts. now that i think it, though, it sounds more like something philip k. dick might have written about...

the desire to be a good consumer is etched deeply in my heart. it is habit, second nature; i identify it as such, but it doesn't make resisting it any easier. it saddens me.