my gp says that my "health", well, isn't healthy. based on blood test results, she wrote me a prescription. i take it as prescribed. more tests, disappointing results. another doctor, different frustrations.

i can't decide if i'm in denial or despair.

i wake up, anxious, nauseous, dizzy. i call in to work, sleep another five hours, live like a tidy shut-in. i'm beginning to despise myself; for giving in so easily to someone else's assessment of myself, for not doing anything productive about it, for making mountains out of molehills.

i hate that within ten minutes, a complete stranger eviscerated my pride in my physical strength, fortitude. i hike! i work out with my body-building bro! i backpack with 35% of my weight!

none of that matters, though, in light of a series of blood test results. i am sick. there is something wrong with me. i am an invalid. it's irrelevant what i do, it's who i am.