{silly concerns}

impulses, rarely recognized as such, nearly always acted upon, enemy to rational behavior, destroyer of carefully crafted budgets: you are my oldest, most faithful companion.

as i awkwardly try to break myself of this ever-escalating expectation of more, i feel both the thrill of early escape and doubt at 1) my ability to accurately predict future income/outlays and 2) whether i will be able to hew to the detailed outlays. the crowds i enter when i go to the store, apparently happy to continue, ignorant and unabated in their ceaseless appetites, make me feel imbalanced, wrong-headed, leave me with a sense of longing (for what i don't know). i've never been good at fitting in or belonging, so i don't know why this urge to conform has become so desperate.

the imminent prospect of socializing with the 1% of the 1% terrifies me. i will be incidental to the event, like a vase or potted plant. or maybe i will earn a fleeting sneer? for my complexion will be mundane on the coast, my education indulgent and irrelevant to the summa cum laude, my accent barbaric, my attire threadbare. do my insecurities lay bare my values? why fear the judgment of these strangers? these who have massive wealth yet will work long after they have to? for that very success is qua their identity, aka an existential bear trap?