i have lately wondered if artifice is more "real" than an un-assumed self. up until now, i took it for granted that lack of filtering in order to control how oneself is perceived is preferred to the incessant grooming of self-presentation. (if anything, it is a dynamite excuse for being rude.) that i treasure, above all else, choice has made me reconsider. if the choices one makes is ultimately for what one is held accountable & judged: then choice is indicative of self. so why did i think the stripping away of choice makes one more real? --that whatever one is before choice is made is more valuable than how one seeks to be seen? i can't say.

apropos, a few years ago i visited with a friend from high school. he told me, among other things, that he had acted in a few porn flicks. i was embarrassed & shocked & had no idea how to respond. apparently i have a deep lack of self-awareness since it has just now dawned on me why i reacted like a prude: what i saw as an act of invasion he experienced as an act of defiance & liberation. i like to hide my discretions & pretend that i fit the mold. he, suppressed for decades, rejected the necessity for hiding & flaunted his new-found disregard for societal approbation.

i could say that he is braver than i am; or i could say that i just fucking hate attention.