i fear to commit, in any sense of the word. this ambivalence overwhelms me, and consequently characterizes me. arm-chair science tells me that, more than anything else, one is not defined by past or future actions, but most strongly by present progressive--one is what one does. i do nothing.

i've been turning this over continuously for two months, but as i was making the bed (a sham of productivity), i realized that my fear to assert (how does this differ from "commit"?) goes much further back than these past few months. i preferred silence in college. i opted to not sign up for pony league. i never said anything about my parents.

my husband says i am simply proud and stubborn, and value perfection in all things. i wish i could agree with him; she sounds like a heroine of a romance novel.